My week started with watching my Grandmother being stored in a drawer. I visited the dead city to witness it. A huge graveyard of a town somewhere a bit north to Tel Aviv. The graves are so numerous that they started building towers for them, piling them up on top of each other.
I was horrified by it. Burn the body for all the soul cares, I think it will be much more proper. But it is not allowed in Judaism. Unthinkable, even among the non-believers.
I wasn’t that close to my grandmother. Although she loved me. She loved me the way she knew how, which was very glum compare to other forms of love I got blessed with in my childhood. The war touched her life in a way it never recovered from. She always had a relationship with death. I could sense it even when I was very young. I didn’t like it, I wasn’t willing to face it. And maybe I am still a bit of a coward.
My other Grandmother, born and raised in Israel, has a different place in me. She was very much alive until her last breath and I still can’t believe she is not. She is buried in a forest next to the town her family founded. A peaceful place. My mom said she got a privilege. But I don’t think the dead get any privilege. You only get it in your life. My forest buried grandmother, who I love and miss so much, got the privilege of love.
I am grandmotherless now.
I find coming here instead of comfortably rambling myself at my old Hebrew blog, the way I’ve been doing for years, rather difficult.
I always feel like I make absolutely no sense in English. Writing in English sometimes feels like a painting process with only two primary colors. Yes, I do fear someone will read this and judge me, as my language is often misunderstood, it happens to me frequently when I speak.
Yet, I have plenty of reasons to stick with blogging, and for that, I will have to accept the challenge.
I am blogging to get some things off my chest. I am also blogging because I am so good at losing connections with people thanks to all the moving around I have been doing for the past years. Friends from Israel and other schools I went to in the US might not read here, but I like to think that they do. I like to think that I do have this one solid place where I can tell them all about what’s going on with me. Stability and a sense of familiarity are things I feel I am lacking. That is why, maybe, I stick to my old blog so firmly.
Last but not least, two months from now, I’m going to be in Japan for a while, You have no idea how excited I am for it, and I would like to write about my experience there, here, in English.
I’m going through a significant period of time in my life. I am changing. I am slowly finding what I like to do, as well as being part of these new places and communities.
I know there is more to come.!
portraits of friends, Acrylic on paper:
An est em manga I am struggling to read(no furigana)
Kanji of the day:
台風 stand(stage)+wind= typhoon
絶対 to discontinue+ opposite= definitely